It is 2.40pm and you are in a meeting when your phone buzzes for the third time. Mum again. She cannot find her glasses, or she has forgotten whether she took her tablets, or she simply sounds lonelier than she did yesterday. You step out, reassure her, step back in, and spend the rest of the afternoon only half listening.
If that sounds familiar, you are one of the many people quietly doing two jobs. One pays the bills. The other has no job description, no annual leave and no end time. Nobody hands you a manual for it, and most people only realise they have become a carer long after it has started.
This guide is for that stage. Not the crisis, but the slow build up where you are still coping, just about, and wondering how long you can keep it up.
The signs the balance is starting to tip
Working carers are very good at telling themselves they are fine. These are the signals worth taking seriously:
- You check your phone for missed calls before you check your emails
- Lunch breaks have become shopping runs, pharmacy queues or drives across town
- You have used annual leave for hospital appointments rather than rest
- You feel guilty at work for thinking about your parent, and guilty with your parent for thinking about work
- Small things at home are slipping, and you have stopped seeing friends because there is simply no time left
- You lie awake wondering what would happen if you got ill
None of this means you are failing. It means the arrangement was built for a smaller amount of care than your parent now needs. That is a design problem, and design problems can be fixed.
Start with an honest look at the week
Before changing anything, write down everything you do for your parent in a typical week. Every phone call, every errand, every visit. Most people are shocked by the length of the list, because so much of it happens in the gaps.
Then sort each task into one of three columns:
| Only you can do it | Someone else could do it | Paid support could do it |
|---|---|---|
| Being their daughter or son: the chats, the shared history, Sunday lunch | A sibling, neighbour or friend could do the Thursday shop or a weekly visit | Help with washing and dressing, a lunchtime check, cleaning, errands, regular companionship |
| Big decisions about health, money and living arrangements | Another relative could handle a monthly task such as paperwork or bills | A friendly daily phone call so your parent hears a warm voice when you cannot ring |
The first column is the one that matters most, and it is usually the one being squeezed out. When you spend every visit doing chores, there is very little energy left for simply being together. The aim of the exercise is to protect that first column by moving tasks out of it.
Having the conversation at work
Many working carers keep their situation hidden for months, worried it will look like a lack of commitment. In reality, most managers would far rather know early than discover it through missed deadlines or sudden absence.
A few things make the conversation easier:
- Lead with a plan, not a problem. “My mum needs more support at the moment. Here is what I am putting in place, and here is what would help from work” lands very differently from an apology.
- Be specific about what would help. A later start on two days a week, the option to work from home on appointment days, or permission to keep your phone on in meetings.
- Ask what already exists. Many employers have carers’ policies, staff networks or employee assistance programmes that nobody mentions until asked.
- Know your basic rights. Most employees in the UK can ask for flexible working from their first day in a job, and can take up to a week of unpaid carer’s leave each year to look after someone who depends on them.
You do not need to share every detail of your parent’s health. A clear outline of what is happening and what you need is enough.
Build a routine your parent can rely on when you cannot be there
The most stressful part of working while caring is usually not the tasks themselves. It is the uncertainty. Is Dad up? Has he eaten? Did anyone notice he seemed confused this morning?
A reliable routine, with known people at known times, takes much of that worry away. Here is how a working week might look once support is shared out:
| Time of day | Who | What it covers |
|---|---|---|
| Morning | A regular carer | Help getting up, washing and dressing, breakfast and medication prompts |
| Midday | A telephone befriending call | A friendly check in and a chat, so the middle of the day is not long and silent |
| Afternoon, once a week | Concierge support | Everyday errands and the small jobs that used to eat your lunch break |
| Fortnightly | Home cleaning | A tidy, safe home without you spending your Saturday scrubbing the bathroom |
| Evenings and weekends | You and the family | Dinner together, phone calls, outings and the conversations that matter |
Your own pattern will look different, but the principle holds. Paid support covers the predictable tasks, and you keep the time that only you can fill.
Consistency matters as much as cover. A parent who sees the same familiar faces each week settles far more quickly, and you will hear about any changes in their health from people who actually know them. Our guide to what to expect from the first home care visit explains how those early weeks usually unfold.
Keep information flowing, not just care
One of the hidden strains for working carers is being the only person who knows everything. Every update, every change of medication, every niggle lives in your head.
A few simple habits help:
- Keep a shared notebook or digital note at your parent’s home where carers, relatives and you can jot down anything worth knowing
- Agree with your care provider how they will contact you, and what counts as urgent enough for a call during working hours
- Keep a single list of medications, GP details and key contacts somewhere everyone can find it
- If siblings are involved, a short weekly message summarising how things are going stops one person carrying it all
At Bentleys, our Duty of Care includes the whole family, not just the person receiving care. Keeping relatives informed, so they are not left chasing updates between meetings, is part of that.
Protect the relationship, not just the routine
When caring becomes a list of tasks, it is easy to stop being a daughter or son and start feeling like a manager. Parents notice this too. Many older people say the hardest part of needing help is watching their children become tired and short with them.
Once the practical jobs are shared out, try to give back some of the time you reclaim to things you used to enjoy together. A coffee in town, an old film, a walk by the river, looking through photographs. Our PSPR approach is built on the idea that social and emotional wellbeing matters every bit as much as physical care, and the same is true for your relationship with your parent.
Look after the carer, too
You cannot hold down a full time job and support a parent indefinitely on empty. Warning signs of carer strain include constant tiredness, irritability, poor sleep and getting ill more often than usual.
Building regular breaks into the plan is not selfish. It is what keeps the whole arrangement working. Our guide to respite care at home in Dundee explains how short breaks can be arranged so you can rest, travel or simply have an evening off without worrying.
Talk to your GP if the strain is affecting your health, and tell at least one friend honestly how things are. Carers who stay connected to their own lives cope far better over the long run.
When the current arrangement is no longer enough
Sometimes the pattern of phone calls and lunchtime dashes is a sign that your parent needs more help than family alone can give. Our checklist of signs an elderly parent needs home care can help you judge where things stand, and if a fall has prompted the question, our guide to what to do after an elderly parent has a fall is a good place to start.
If your parent is reluctant, read our advice on how to suggest home care to a parent without upsetting them. When you are ready to compare options, our realistic guide to home care costs in Dundee and our list of questions to ask before signing up with a provider will help you make a confident decision.
You do not have to choose between your job and your parent
Working full time and caring for a parent is one of the hardest balancing acts there is, but it does not have to mean giving up one for the other. With the right mix of family, employer understanding and reliable home care, you can keep your career, protect your own health and still be there for the moments that count.
If you live in Dundee or the surrounding area and would like to talk through what support could look like around your working week, book a free call, ring us on 01382 722 037, or send us a message. We will listen first, then help you find an arrangement that works for your parent and for you.
